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4 yrs ago this wk, I was hospitalized for suicidal thots after I'd made a suicidal attempt. From Feb - May '06, I had suicidal thots off & on, as a result of my major pain/fatique/depression. My dr's had ordered tests & tried new meds that were ineffective. Friends who'd been understanding previously, were not around or able to help during that period. I recall feeling like I faced a daily obstacle course that was invisible to everyone around me. No one saw how hard my life was. The only long-term solution I saw, was to move to a wamer climate, which my wife strongly opposed, to the pt where I figured I'd be moving w/o her (divorce) or our kids. So I felt no hope whatsoever for mths. I recall sometimes falling face down on our bed crying & begging God for help, but no answer came.

What did change? Well, my voluntary hospital stay on the mental health wing was a wake up call for my family & some freinds. A few guys began inviting me out to breakfast every other Sat for a while. Another couple took us out to eat. The crisis led to issues w/ my employers, which led to me taking a medical leave & applying for disability. The not-working meant extra rest & less stress. I also started a 2-3 day/wk program at a comprehensive pain clinic that taught me some new ways of coping & managing my pain. After about 4 mths, my employers got tired of waiting & terminated my employment after my supporters negotiated a generous financial severance agreement. But the silver lining of their firing me, was that it made my wife realize we'd have to move to a warmer climate, b/c we couldn't survive on her job.

IN some ways, I feel like a new man since then. God used it & gave me a new lease on life for which I'm grateful.

Why do I share this? B/c I know many of us have suicidal thots, but things can improve, & w/ help & opnness to changes, one can discover a new life. I'm not a hero, I'm just one of the lucky ones.