A Social Network for Men with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue or Pain
A ramble after a long week...
Last week I turned 25...It's been a difficult week. I am sure that my birthday added extra stress to what has been an extremely stressful and painful existence for the last few years. I know birthdays are supposed to be celebrations, but the last couple years they have been cruel reminders about my condition. I take it "one day at a time," but over 5 years have elapsed since I became sick, and I have just been "spinning my wheels." I'm getting older but I'm not moving forward. A lot of my friends are advancing their careers and starting to "pass me by." Some are getting married. In some ways, I feel like I'm still 19 years old (when I first got sick), and I'm waiting for some miracle of time travel so I can go back to where I was before this nightmare began. Right now, I'm in what I like to call survivor mode - going through the motions and seizing the day when I can, but at the end of the day, it's not a rewarding existence. But I refuse to give up, so I'm trapped in my own personal hell.
I have weeks where I am optimistic and almost in denial about my condition, and then I have weeks where I am consumed with anxiety and fear about the future. Sometimes I can't see it getting anything but worse, which is a terrifying prospect. I tell myself there will be a new treatment or cure around the corner, and that even though the chances aren't great, it's reason enough to hold on and not lose hope.
Over the last few months I have been more engaged with my friends - which means more social events, which means more pain and invisible suffering. I am so good at wearing a mask that virtually none of my friends know that I constantly feel horrendous. If I revealed how I truly felt, I feel like nobody would want to be around me. One reason I started this website was so I could come somewhere and be my true self.
Anyway, this is a bit of a negative post so I apologize. Just needed somewhere to vent. Here's to hoping for a "good" week for everyone this week.
I have weeks where I am optimistic and almost in denial about my condition, and then I have weeks where I am consumed with anxiety and fear about the future. Sometimes I can't see it getting anything but worse, which is a terrifying prospect. I tell myself there will be a new treatment or cure around the corner, and that even though the chances aren't great, it's reason enough to hold on and not lose hope.
Over the last few months I have been more engaged with my friends - which means more social events, which means more pain and invisible suffering. I am so good at wearing a mask that virtually none of my friends know that I constantly feel horrendous. If I revealed how I truly felt, I feel like nobody would want to be around me. One reason I started this website was so I could come somewhere and be my true self.
Anyway, this is a bit of a negative post so I apologize. Just needed somewhere to vent. Here's to hoping for a "good" week for everyone this week.
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Comment by mrb on December 11, 2009 at 8:35am
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Hey RIck,
I'm a 26 year old guy with Fibromyalgia. I just joined this site.
I've experienced everything you eloquently mentioned. I push myself so far and so hard that my illness isn't even real to myself. I pretend it doesn't exist, because as far as medicine knows or as far as my friends can tell it doesn't.
I've tried to make it 'real', tried to explain/rticulate it to others. That doesn't work either..
I got 2/3 of my way through a biomedical degree at University (to research CFS/fibro/food intolerance myself), but had to take a leave of absence because I couldn't handle the stress anymore.
As a man I have a very hard time accepting the cards I've got in my hands. I rather push myself to the brink of falling into a million pieces than tell someone I have 'fibromyalgia', whatever that is.
I have so much fight in me but it often feels like i'm trying to beat up air.
Yeah, not really sure what to say other than thanks for just putting it all out there. I hate that you're in the same boat, but at the same time it helps to know there's another guy out there who feels exactly like I do. Cheers
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Comment by Kelsey on November 17, 2009 at 6:35pm -
Thanks for the post, Rick. You basically took the words right out of my mouth about how I've been feeling lately. I am close to graduating from grad school and share your feelings about being consumed with anxiety and fear about the future, about how or if I'll be able to manage a full time job. But I also try to just take it one day at a time - a lot of times just getting through the day feels like a huge accomplishment in itself. I try my best to not compare myself to my peers, but it's so hard and gets me down a lot. But I try to think of how having this condition has made me a better person - I'm more empathetic, I can understand and relate to people who are in pain better than most others can, and I know I must be strong because I've made it this far. As far as the future goes, all I can do is wait and see what happens and then just roll with the punches as best as I can.
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Comment by Rick on November 9, 2009 at 2:06pm -
Thanks for the great advice, Mark. You're right, it's hard to find the right balance of being "authentic" and being completely honest (which would sound like incessant bitching). I think I have this "filter" that prevents me from complaining about my condition in order to avoid sounding like a "Debbie downer." So when I do complain, I preface it with an apology. Thanks for making me feel welcome to vent!
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