A Social Network for Men with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue or Pain
Passion and Pain
Our office had a Christmas party today. There were cookies I shouldn't have ate and there was champagne that I shouldn't have drank (I'm paying for these choices with a headache and an upset stomach as I type). These forbidden pleasures, as we all know, run rampant around this time of year. But as my boss reminded me today, there is another thing the holiday season prompts us to do: reflect.
As my boss, an accomplished foreign policy strategist, sat with us at the table sipping champagne, she challenged us to go around the table and explain what "drives [us] to get out of the bed in the morning"...what was our passion in life?
As my colleagues struggled to avoid cliched responses, I suddenly realized that I had no idea how to answer. When my time came, I believe I muttered something about "pursuing my dreams even when the odds were stacked against me," but I clearly dodged the question. What are my dreams? What is my passion?
Six years ago, before I got sick, I didn't really know what my goals were either. I was a typical teenager, only concerned with the "now." However, I was enrolled in college and doing quite well. I was taking courses that I thoroughly enjoyed and was curious to learn more. I thought as long as I continued to excel in school everything would just "fall into place."
Then one morning, my headache came...and never went away. As the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, my new "passion" became finding out what was wrong with me - and then fixing it. There were no other options; I would settle for nothing less.
But over five years, dozens of doctors, and thousands of dollars later, I'm in a much worse place. My "passion" has not yielded positive results. What makes matters worse is that my obsession with "fixing" my condition has displaced everything else, and all that is left in my mind is fatigue, cynicism, and pain. Maybe passion doesn't stand a chance?
I still don't have a good answer for my boss, but I am fairly certain that there is something out there - whether it is a job, a person, or something more abstract - that I can be passionate about. I just need to figure out how to get there. Until then, I will take it one day at a time. Then again, maybe that attitude is part of the problem!
As my boss, an accomplished foreign policy strategist, sat with us at the table sipping champagne, she challenged us to go around the table and explain what "drives [us] to get out of the bed in the morning"...what was our passion in life?
As my colleagues struggled to avoid cliched responses, I suddenly realized that I had no idea how to answer. When my time came, I believe I muttered something about "pursuing my dreams even when the odds were stacked against me," but I clearly dodged the question. What are my dreams? What is my passion?
Six years ago, before I got sick, I didn't really know what my goals were either. I was a typical teenager, only concerned with the "now." However, I was enrolled in college and doing quite well. I was taking courses that I thoroughly enjoyed and was curious to learn more. I thought as long as I continued to excel in school everything would just "fall into place."
Then one morning, my headache came...and never went away. As the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, my new "passion" became finding out what was wrong with me - and then fixing it. There were no other options; I would settle for nothing less.
But over five years, dozens of doctors, and thousands of dollars later, I'm in a much worse place. My "passion" has not yielded positive results. What makes matters worse is that my obsession with "fixing" my condition has displaced everything else, and all that is left in my mind is fatigue, cynicism, and pain. Maybe passion doesn't stand a chance?
I still don't have a good answer for my boss, but I am fairly certain that there is something out there - whether it is a job, a person, or something more abstract - that I can be passionate about. I just need to figure out how to get there. Until then, I will take it one day at a time. Then again, maybe that attitude is part of the problem!
Comment
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Comment by Shannon Williams on December 28, 2009 at 7:21pm -
First, of all, I want to thank you for your posts, they always inspire me to think about my own life. Have you ever dabbled in creative writing?
I have not figured out my passion or profession. I feel, for me, it is regardless of my condition. I thought the same, as you, I took classes that intrigued me and believed would assist me in a future career but just assumed that my life would fall in place. It just came naturally to me to take psychology because my life has always been about others (family and friends). So naturally I aspired to be a counselor. However, I just stopped my pursuits after graduating with my bachelor's degree. I first became disillusioned with my dream career believing that all the expense and time would have little or no effect on anyone and I would ultimately resent the decision. Then I came up with excuses such as family, finanices and work, that I have yet to apply to a graduate school.
What has frustrated me, is that, everyone else seems to know exactly who they are, and where they are going. I just feel lost in a busy intersection, with others wizzing past me, but I don't know which direction to turn. The lights change (time passes) and I am still there frozen.
I guess in all this, there is hope, because you are never alone (in any situation you go through). There may not always be someone who can empathize with you but if you look you can find someone who will more than sympathize but offer you a hand and a smile so you can keep moving forward toward your goals and ultimate happiness. So, I will be ever grateful to have a couple great friends and my family to keep me going. And I know from the posts, that you have a lot of support here for you when you need it.
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Comment by Randall on December 23, 2009 at 4:58pm -
Rick, don't be too hard on yourself. U may have been the only one at that table living w/ chronic pain. & a few others may have said things that they thot would sound good for the boss.
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Comment by Randall on December 23, 2009 at 4:56pm
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In my 11 yrs living w/ chronic pain, I've found that pain sometimes takes away my passion. It's hard to be passionate when it takes all one's energy simply to get thru basic things. So I've accepted periods of time when I just take one day at a time.
But when I go thru good periods, I have passion & can devote time & energy to my passions.
© 2012 Created by Rick.
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