What a pain pain is...

I deal with A.S., Rieters, Fibro and other problems. Recently I had most of my teeth removed. Absesses, infection and TMJ pain through the roof. Now that all of that crud is out of my body... I should be feeling better, only my Jaw is so poorly equipped to handle the pain... Dealing with soft foods. But my face and cheek bone feels like I keep fighting Mike Tyson and he keeps hitting me over and over in the jaw. Sitting the the dentist chair for hours at a time.. My neck issues of old jump back in. My chest (down the center) pops/hurts. I turn or sneeze or cough and wham... Pop pop... Like having the wind knocked out of me. My shoulders into my neck and arms also crack, pop and cause nasty pain, doubles with Rain and the freaking Mid-Michigan winter slush world of damp coldness makes me mad.

As most of you may know... relationships are not our strong points... Or people dealing with our issues are not our strong points. i.e. we can't control others, only ourselves. Serenity Prayer... I say this as my last marriage lasted nearly a year. Nice now that after being told that it's in my head for the billionth time... S.S. Disability was finally approved. My first Ex. took me to court because my doctor's pulled me from work and suggested I was making everything up to take advantage of the system... As if this was my main plan of action. Moreover, she was suggesting that she revoke custody because she didn't want to deal with paying me pennies in support, but now that battle has been won.

The pure stupidity of people is enough to drive any of us nutty. Even when the obvious is made obvious, still there is enough ignorance to blow minds.

I've tried over the years to put on that Happy face. Now it's literally been ripped off my face. Extracted... Now you can see I'm not making this up.

Any idea what infections of any kind do to someone with autoimmune issues? Antibiotics... Do you know how resistant we can be?

Morphine, Fentynal, Oxy, Steroids... All years of working with and against me. B12, Co Q 10, Boost drinks... All good helpers.

Funny, but if I didn't have the Arthritis issues, I'd be driven insane by the Fibro alone and I feel for my friends who share with this life of pain.

I use a TENS & Muscle Stimulator, but they can't be used 24/7 and don't always stay where one wants them to stay.

I've had nerves burned (Rhizotomy Surgery), I use home traction for my neck an back. I have to use gloves most of the year to sleep. I'm not overweight and at times have had problems keeping weight on. Dips from 188 with steroids to 144 just weeks later. Blood pressure jumping with pain and just a few clouds rolling through... I've had two trials with a electronic stimulator running along my spine in from the back and up along my neck that didn't go so good... Mainly because I have been tired of the Medication go round since I was a young child with hayfever/allergies. I do yoga, but nearly everything causes something to pop. I've been through occupational and physical therapy, pool therapy, and used my Total Gym until my hands and wrists became so poor.

DHS was pushing to get me to work after working with a company that says they work with people with disabilities, but in the secondary shop I worked at... They didn't give a rats ass about me if I wasn't a warm body working nonstop and not talking... A-holes. Push push push... So tired of pushing back. So tired of understanding that stops a second later.

Find Good Doctors... Look hard and long or your war will be ugly from now on... Pain Management for both the physical and mental... I no longer can see my mental pain management doctor because I'm now on Medicaid, and cant do the pool therapy, accupunture or other useful tools because Medicaid can't see the usefulness of pain relief when it's not in a pill form.

A will to fight everyone sometimes when most of the time we fight with our own bodies... I wanted to eat better, but not exactly this way... I'd just about do anything to eat a steak, hamburger or even a salad.

This is a constant war... I've won some battles after years... Some rage on... Now the likeliness of getting what I need will be a battle of dental vs. medical insurance, and I don't have any dental. Dentures alone are $6,500.... Various dentist wanted to charge me $8,100 or more to do piece work, just so I'd have to end up getting the dentures... I had metal braces as a teen. Just about a year ago I began to see a brownish line in a couple of teeth, where that bar was... Many of my teeth started to crack a number of years back from clinching, but less than a year ago that line started to chip along that line and then they all went... Years of medications and dry mouth. I used medications for years, only to suffer from more side effects. Now I use over the counter things that are alright (without the side effects, but don't seem to last too long).

It is difficult to just be... Just have a nice thought. I have lots of creativity in me and rarely feel like typing or picking up a pencil.

You still can't outwardly see my issues (except now in the face), but my bones are those of someone twice my age and X-rays show bone spurs in the neck, nothing between the bones of my spine for the most part they are a mess. And yet because we can't see something... Well, this gives me a slight guide for those who say they believe in a spiritual life and those who say they do so I can tell just how full of crap some people are and how to value opinions that may not matter in all reality.

Never surrender... That's not to say I haven't given in to pain before. I have and I do. The good fight is worth fighting for.

My child gives me strength I would never have otherwise and I'm tired of my Ex. giving me any more than the 11 years of shit she has put me through. No wonder she's getting her second divorce... Care and understanding goes well beyond a buck or two and dealing with another custody nightmare of her own making... Why do this to children? A--holes...

People who make life hard on people who have hard lives are not human and only stand on ignorance. Somehow most of them still get elected.

Sorry to spill my guts... I am trying to let go of some stress, emotionally vomit if you will... Exhausted, fatigued (which is half of Fibromyalgia) and just plain tired... All we really want to to not fight the systems, not fight with loved ones, not have to battle to just be. As my dentist just called me back to say no one will help me on Medicaid... Joy.

Keep taking that one step forward... No matter how many backwards... Take care of yourselves... Stop smoking for Heaven's sake if you haven't. The world isn't a unkind place, but many of the people in it are.

Nothing good comes out of giving up. Perspective is personal... I had a good friend since childhood pass away in his early 40's to Colon Cancer... I still have a voice where his is gone. Yes, I am venting... But I'm also hoping to gain a little understanding and educate a few who may be living with or living with someone who goes through a battle like my own... I may not always find compassion, but a voice is still a voice no matter how small.